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Making fun of the headlines, so you don't have to
The news doesn't need to be complicated and confusing; that's what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
U.S adds 223,000 jobs in June
Although most of those went to Republicans running for President.
Kim and Kanye announced they're having a baby boy
Or, as Kardasian kids are also known…a spinoff.
Soccer's FIFA board corruption scandal widens
Ironically, they're using their hands to scoop up all the money.
The number 1 bad habit you need to stop if you want to lose weight
Having pizza while reading articles about weight loss.
Happy World Naked Gardening Day
The perfect time for rakes and hoes to get together.
Bristol Palin was spokesperson for abstinence only birth control
Look for Donald Trump to be named Ambassador to Mexico.
Kim Kardashian reveals a little too much about her underwear
Shocking. Kim Kardashian wears underwear?
Fox Host: Hillary Clinton ate at Chipotle for 'Hispanic outreach'
Next, it's Panda Express to reach out to the Asians.
A website ranks Mississippi as the sluttiest state
Guess you really can get lots of 'S' in Mississippi.
Is it ok to leave butter on the kitchen counter?
Since Marlon Brando died, yup.
Republican senator wants restaurant workers not to have to wash their hands after using the bathroom
That's odd, because most politicians want to wash their hands of everything.
Miley Cyrus: I haven't had only 'straight or heterosexual' relationships
Guess that makes her Bi-ley Cyrus.
- Paul Lander
Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on "Leno," "Letterman," "Conan" and "Last Comic Standing." His humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney's, The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. In 2015, he placed second in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' annual column contest in the online/blog/multimedia category for his pieces in Humor Times and was named the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop's "Humor Writer of the Month" in April.