Blogs

(This piece originally appeared on absrdcomedy.com. Reposted by permission of author Paul Lander.)

1. Hey, Facebook, stop asking if I'm 'friends' with Beyoncé, Salma Hayak and Jennifer Lawrence. If I was, you think I'd spend this much time here?

2. Hey, Facebook, stop putting up the ads that people can search for anyone's arrest records. I'm not saying this for me, but for a friend.

3. Hey, Facebook, every time you make an unnecessary change, the terrorists win.

4. Hey, Facebook, stop with the Metamucil ads. It's not the kind of getting my sh** together that I need.

5. Hey, Facebook, stop showing the 15-minute retirement plan ad post. For most of us, that's the amount of time we'll actually get to be in retirement.

6. Hey, Facebook, that guy in the Medic Alert sponsored post has fallen and he can't get up… Do something!

7. Hey, Facebook, thanks for thinking I might be friends with Martin Scorsese, but I believe those of us who know him call him Marty…

8. Hey, Facebook, stop showing the ad to learn Spanish like that'll give me a shot with the Hot Latina in ad. Her pointing and laughing at me is the same in any language.

9. Hey, Facebook, thanks for the 'Introducing the Limited Edition, Asteroid Dusted, William Shatner Timepiece by Egard Watch' post. Yeah, I'm sure it's a fine quality timepiece, 'cuz Shatner would never whore himself for money.

10. Hey, Facebook, thanks for post 'suffer from Schizophrenia? Earn up to $4,850.' I bet people who also have multiple personality disorder can earn two to three times that.

11. Hey, Facebook, thanks for the post to become a 'Substance Abuse Counselor.' If you were so smart, you'd know today I needed a counselor to help me find substances to abuse.

12. Hey, Facebook, who does someone have to poke around here to get some customer service?

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on "Leno," "Letterman," "Conan" and "Last Comic Standing." His humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney's, The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. He was named the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop's "Humor Writer of the Month" in April 2015.