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(Lowell Christensen's essay won first place in the annual Robert Benchley Society Humor Writing Competition. He placed third the previous year. Reposted by permission of the author.)

Our son David has attention deficit disorder (ADD). We know this because his teacher Mrs. Franklin hinted at the possibility. She said he has trouble sitting still and staying focused, so she has to keep him in during recess to finish his assignments. She gave us a brochure about how we can help at home. It's weird that no one had ADD when I went to school. I just made some really nice chocolate chip cookies. I'd like to share some ideas that can help with ADD. They taste better when you use real butter. I also use homemade vanilla. You can order vanilla beans online and then soak them in rum for a few months, and it makes rich, flavorful vanilla to add to cookies. Rum is made from sugar cane, which grows in the Caribbean. Remember when Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth are stranded on the island, and Elizabeth sets the rum on fire? That's a great scene. My favorite subject in school was always recess. I kept telling that to Mrs. Franklin. I like to use milk chocolate chips in cookies instead of semisweet. It says we need to make a plan to help our son set aside a specific time to do his homework. We made a plan. I think it's in the billiards room. My brother Vaughn is coming to visit tomorrow. He's a computer scientist like me. I also like rum raisin ice cream, although recently I've been enjoying toffee. They make mint toffee in England, and it's worth the plane fare over just to get some. There's a little candy store on Bloomsbury Way near the British Museum where I get the stuff. It's wonderful! I can't find the plan. Maybe I left it in the Mercedes. My son finished his homework, and I'm supposed to make sure he gets it into his backpack so he can turn it in tomorrow if he remembers. The cat is making weird sounds. The teacher says we need to set up a reward system for when he remembers. According to the Journal of Wildlife Management, cats are the urban coyotes' most common meal, making up 42 percent of their diet. So why do we have a Journal of Wildlife Management if we can't manage wildlife sufficiently to prevent Puff from going poof like this? It says we should use memory cards, dice or dominoes to make numbers fun. I tried that, but David would rather show me some tricks using Fibonacci numbers or work on computer code. Kids need to take breaks every 10 or 20 minutes unless they're too absorbed in writing code. The cats being eaten are in Tucson. If you're a coyote living in the wilderness far away from Tucson (and chances are that you're not), the law of supply and demand tells you that cat is a luxury you will seldom enjoy without paying a premium. I hope this helps. I need a break now.

- Lowell T. Christensen

Lowell T. Christensen is the author of The One-Minute Zillionaire - Achieve Wealth, Fame, and Success in an Instant, Give or Take a Hundred Years. He has kept himself busily occupied as a writer, engineer, rocket scientist, musician, backhoe operator, outdoorsman, chef, rancher and international traveler. His previous books include Coping with Texas and Other Staggering Feets and Beginning Farming and What Makes a Sheep Tick, and he has written magazine articles that feature presidential elections through the theme of Shakespearean plays. He also writes articles for his local newspaper about public education, cheesy television shows, Scout camp misadventures and the county library's resemblance to a dead rhinoceros. With a degree in chemical engineering, he has worked for DuPont and the University of California.