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I came out the other morning for breakfast to find my wife, Madeline, with her head on the table and a burning candle sticking in her ear.

And, I'm not making this up, she had a disposable pie pan on her face to catch the wax dripping from the candle.

"Do you know you have a pie pan on your head with a burning candle poking through it attached to your ear?" I asked.

"Of course I do. I'm candling my ear."

I looked at her for a moment and then replied, "Well, I hope whatever it is you're heating up doesn't have anything to do with my breakfast this morning."

She looked at me with one of those womanly expressions that let men know their offbeat sense of wit and humor isn't appreciated. But, since she had a pie pan on her head and a burning candle in her ear, I ignored the look and continued on with a few more puns.

"You know, Honey, I've always said, you light up my life."

"Hey, how about we have a candlelight breakfast this morning."

"Ear wax. Not just for snacks any more."

That produced an even sterner look from her.

"Hold still," I said. I want to go get my cell phone so I can put it on YouTube."

"Don't you dare,'' she cried.

Old folk remedy

"What I'm doing is a homeopathic therapy for my ear," Madeline said while the cone-shaped candle sizzled and sputtered and sent clouds of black smoke towards our kitchen ceiling.

I asked for an explanation of what a person could cure with a burning candle sticking out of their ear.

"This is an old folk remedy that people used to help draw out black humors from the body, cure St. Vitas Dance and protect you from hexes and the evil eye," she explained.

Actually, Madeline didn't say that. I just thought that would be an appropriate explanation for making your head look like a birthday cake for a one-year-old.

What she really said was she had been having problems with her ears and the candling technique was an old remedy that might cure it. The technique supposedly brings soothing heat to the inner ear, eliminates wax build up and anything else that may have taken residence in your ear cannel.

"You should try it. It feels great,'' she said. "Now, could you clip the ash off my candle so my hair doesn't catch fire?"

I knocked the ash off and then picked up the box the candles came in and looked at the label.

Sure enough, it had a warning label: "For external use only. Keep away from children. Do not use with flammable chemicals. Do not put lighted candle next to your hair as it might produce loud screaming and hair burning."

Good advice, I thought.

- Myron Kukla

Myron Kukla is a Midwest freelance writer. He is the author of several books of humor, including Guide to Surviving Life, and is a regular contributor to Bestversionmedia and the Erma Bombeck blog. Email him at myronkuklabooks@gmail.com or follow his blog, The Writings and Musings of Myron J. Kukla.