Blogs

The news doesn't need to be complicated and confusing; that's what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A Meth Lab was built in a WalMart bathroom

Someone tried to do that in an IKEA, but couldn't figure out the instructions.

Gary Dahl, the inventor of the pet rock, dies

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you just get stoned.

The world's most elusive cat has been captured on camera

All it took was some person going into a nearby bathroom and leaving the door ajar.

Krispy Kreme co-founder dies at 95 years old

No word, if he was buried in a box with a dozen family members.

Obama reveals his favorite Girl Scout cookie

Man, that would have a whole different meaning if it were Bill Clinton.

Happy National Poetry Day

A day where I think, therefore iamb.

Bristol Palin's Alaska home for sale

At least according to Putin, who can see it from his house.

This is what happens when you step on molten lava

Ouch… ouch... sh**... ouch... ouch... sh**… ouch...

Reports actor Dennis Hopper just died, despite having already passed away five years ago

In fairness, given the amount of acid he took, his corpse could be having a flashback.

How 'marijuana refugees' brought legal cannabis to Georgia

I'm guessing on a midnight train.

Putin says Russia will stand firm in standoff with West

Kanye says, 'What his problem with me? Just because I think Russia should be run by Beyonce.'

Happy 91st birthday, Gloria Vanderbilt

Congratulations. Your genes are longer lasting than your jeans.

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on "Leno," "Letterman," "Conan" and "Last Comic Standing." His humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney's, The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake.