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The March Madness college basketball tournament is on the brink of exploding on Americans. Strap yourselves up. Zero in. And take to heart these three tips:

Tip One: For those of you who are employed, figure out a way to watch all the games while at work and not get caught by your boss. This will be especially important for the 12 first Round games that start on a Thursday at noon EST.

You must - this is a command not a request - pipe the games into your office computer and watch them including the thousands of commercials. If you have any work to do that day, get it done in the morning. If you don't have any work to do that day, that's even better. Stay out of the office fray. Lay low. Don't ask any questions. Don't offer any suggestions. Don't respond to emails even those marked "urgent." Don't add value. Don't help the business.

Focus on your main objective: watching the games on your computer the entire afternoon. This won't boost America's gross domestic product, which is the total output of goods and services. But nothing else can or will. You are not to blame for America's economic malaise. That's on them.

Tip Two: For those of you who don't work, you're golden. Absorb all 12 games without fear of losing your job because you don't have one. This is the biggest upside to being unemployed. On the first day of March Madness, you get to hang out and watch all the games in peace. No need to be coy and dishonest. As you watch, don't search job boards. Take the day off. Kick your feet up. Munch Funyons. Drink Cream Soda. Think about your basketball career if you had one. Imagine one if you if you didn't. Ask yourself why you never got to play in the March Madness tournament. It probably was because you didn't want it bad enough. This is always the reason people don't succeed. They are not willing to pay the price. They reveal their weakness. In your case, you were not willing to go outside in the cold and practice one thousand foul shots every day 365 days a year from the ages of 12 through 17. That's on you. Girls distracted you. They ate away at too much of your basketball practice time. You let it happen. You were weak. Meek people deserve what they get.

Tip Three: To bone up on the March Madness teams, read essays from me here until the title game on Monday night in April. I pledge to deliver to you a bastion of sports paraphernalia that will give you all the March Madness you need, don't need and don't care to know, such as player profiles, psychological dilemmas, historical context, links to academic concepts, interpersonal conflicts between players and coaches, weather reports, and inappropriate personal asides.

I will distill all you need to know about the tournament into chicken nuggets of content that is as digestible as butterscotch pudding and/or chicken nuggets. Ignore the millions of other writers covering the tournament. They will give you what you already know and expect and are comfortable with: who won, who lost, a prediction that Kansas will go to the Sweet 16. Those people will be sensible, insightful, logical and good at what they do.

You don't need that. Break from your comfort zone. Live a little. Marinate with me in some real March Madness.

- Charles Hartley

Charles Hartley is a freelance writer who has had more than 1,000 articles published in a wide range of media outlets focused on humor, sports, business, technology and consumers. He has earned master's degrees in journalism and business administration and a bachelor's degree in English and communications.