Blogs

The news doesn't need to be complicated and confusing; that's what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tom Brokaw turned 75

Brian Williams: Me, too!

U.S. job openings reach 14-year high

See what happens when Ryan Seacrest decides to take a few weeks off?

Ex-NFL player Warren Sapp arrested for solicitation

I'm guessing the McDonald's 'Pay with Lovin' defense isn't going to work here.

Sylvester Stallone announces 'Rambo 5′

The 5 stands for how many times a night Rambo has to get up and pee.

Surgery on ailing Great Dane yields 43 ½ socks

So, that's where all those missing socks went.

Apple coming out with the new iWatch

Which is short for iWatchMyMoneyGoDownTheDrainOnU nneededTechCrap.

11 strong signs you're about to be fired

Number 2: A question mark is placed after your job title on company website.

Neo-Nazis plan 'monument to the white race' in North Dakota town

Yup, it should be called Mount Rushmoron.

Preliminary tests show Yale student does not have Ebola

No word if the virus was able to get into its safe school.

America's most Republican company? It's Wonderbread

Well, they do sell a lot of white bread.

The planet's 2nd smartest human reveals '50 mind drugs and supplements' he takes every day

Yeah, but what if smartest human thinks this is a dumb idea?

2-faced cat, Frank and Louie, dies at 15

Ending speculation of a career in politics...

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc. His humor pieces have appeared in The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. Now, on to Paul's time commanding Special Forces in Kandahar…