Blogs

The news doesn't need to be complicated and confusing; that's what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Krispy Kreme co-founder dies at 95 years old

In lieu of flowers send flour.

Happy 57th Birthday, Rapper Grand Master Flash

And, a shout out to your wife Grand Mrs. Hot Flash.

Sony brings back Blackberry after cyber attack

And, dial up.

Fox News commentator calls Obama a 'skinny, ghetto crackhead' on air

Except for the skinny part, it sounds like an endorsement for Mayor of Toronto.

Kendal Jenner rocks skimpy bikini in Dubai

How embarrassing for her father Bruce Jenner, who was wearing the same outfit.

New Year's stampede kills 35 in Shanghai, China

Holy crap, and it's not even their New Year.

'Saved by the Bell's' Dustin Diamond arrested for using a switchblade in a bar fight

Ironically, given Dustin Diamond's standup act, stabbing someone is closest he's ever come to killing...

Hugh Hefner death report turns out to be Internet hoax

So, Hugh Hefner didn't die, I guess thanks to the Viagra someone reported he'd been stiff for more than 4 hours...

Snow in Southern California

Looks like that was one helluva sneeze by Charlie Sheen.

New York police consider Chipotle boycott after clerk gives "hands up" gesture

Guys, if you want to really have an effect, then boycott Dunkin' Donuts.

Chris Rock getting divorced

Look for his ex-wife's new reality show, 'Everybody Hates Chris... Except my Divorce Lawyer.'

Republican Rep. Steve Scalise said he didn't know he was speaking in front of white supremacists and Klan members

Bringing new meaning to being 'hoodwinked.'

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc. His humor pieces have appeared in The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. Now, on to Paul's time commanding Special Forces in Kandahar…