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Why do those who engage in lawsuit prevention assume that I'm a moron? I understand that the specter of packs of lawyers wielding class action suits is the direct cause of new product instructions that are unreasonably detailed. I think, however, that the folks who write these things have sunk to the level of insulting.

The instructions that came with my new digital alarm clock, provided in English, Spanish and French, are a case in point. The instructions include the following instructions: "Read these instructions. Keep these instructions. Heed all warnings. Follow all instructions." The English instructions are headed by the word "English" in boldface.

At the top of the first page is a triangle containing an exclamation point. Explanation: "The exclamation point within the triangle is a warning sign alerting you of possible instructions accompanying the product."

Included is an illustration of a person pushing a very tall portable cart, the kind you might use for A/V equipment. The drawing is encased in the classic circle with a slash through it. What this has to do with my tiny clock is still in question.

Further instructions: "Do not place lighted candles, cigarettes, cigars, etc. on the products." How about firecrackers? Further down: "No naked flame source such as lighted candles should be placed on the apparatus." Who knew? There is also a handy illustration of an electrical outlet in case I don't know where the plug goes. Thanks for that!

This is what they call a user manual? How about a loser manual or a moron manual. Idiot instructions. Directions for Dopes. You get the idea. How stupid do they think I am? Stupid question. Very.

I had to remind myself that the purchased apparatus is an alarm clock, not a nuclear device. Boy, I'd love to see the user manual for those.

Somehow I managed to get the alarm clock working. I was then motivated to check some other instruction booklets. The one for my can opener provides fair warning not to "open cans of flammable liquids such as lighter fluid." My dishwasher booklet cautions: "Do not abuse, sit or stand on the door or side racks of the dishwater." From the folks who sold me a coffeemaker: "Do not touch hot surfaces. Use handles or knobs." and "Burns can occur from touching hot plate, hot metal parts, hot water or steam." My refrigerator manual defines the words "danger" and "warning." Danger: "You can be killed or seriously injured if you don't immediately follow instructions." Emphasis theirs. "Warning" is defined as "You can be killed or seriously injured if you don't follow instructions." I am also advised against using oven cleansers on my refrigerator. The booklet accompanying some pills I take is longer than the U.S. Constitution. I haven't even skimmed it.

Maybe future instruction writers can be convinced to break things down even further while at least being entertaining:

This product works a certain way.

We'll show you how if that's okay.

No matter what you think you know.

We'll just assume you're very slow.

Pay attention and you'll learn:

Don't drop, don't hit, don't throw, don't burn.

- Ann Green

Ann Green is a freelance writer, editor, PR consultant and tutor.