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Not all spider spasms have a documented, and written in stone, name.

Some spider spasms are created at the precise moment that the spaz occurs. It is important, however, that the individual engaging in the spaz do his or her best to remember every movement that the body makes, beginning with the spastic facial expressions, arm flaps, leg kicks, the sounds made during the spaz, and ending with the final position that the body comes to rest in when the spaz has come to a complete and total stop.

It is also highly beneficial to the credibility of the individual naming the spaz if he or she has a witness that can attest that the spaz in question is truthful and correct. I pride myself for having named several spider spasms.

My most recent was born of ignorance on my part. A friend was telling me that my spider worries were over for at least the duration of winter, as spiders will not be "in season" during the cold spell. I believed her.

So, later in the week, filled with confidence, I walked outside to the wood pile to bring in wood for the fire. I load up my arms, stand up and catch detectable movement on the piece of wood closest to my face. Crawling toward my bare arm was the star of the 1956 motion picture "TARANTULA." (As I have also made mention, fear magnifies objects, so this may have been the stand-in for the star.)

My eyes bugged, and the scream emitted from my vocal cords could only be heard by dogs. My armload of wood was thrown up and away from my body. It was most unfortunate that my husband's truck was in the line of fire of the hurling wood. As I stepped back trying to distance myself from the spider that was on the wood on the truck, I tripped over the wood pile, fell backwards and rolled in dirt and wood chips, all of which stuck to me like I had put them there on purpose.

Out of this was born "The Spider wood-chuck Huck" spaz. You can only lay claim to this one if all steps described are followed. And that includes falling over a wood pile and ends with rolling in dirt and wood chips. I enlisted the help of my husband to retrieve the wood off his hood, and once again, as is so common in dealing with spiders, the spider had disappeared! I walked away from this experience a little wiser, a little less trusting. And from now on, the men in the family can get their own wood.

The "HOLY S@#T" spaz is an unexpected encounter with a spider. It usually occurs when you are in the course of performing a task. Whether it be indoor, or out, you are concentrating on what you are doing, about to do, or need to do when without notice, a SPIDER! It is at this moment that you create this loud, lung-filling, sucking-of-air sound. There is an abrupt stop to the movement of your feet, your head snaps back quickly, eyes bulge, and the ONLY thing that comes to mind and escapes your lips is "HOLY S@#T"!!

The "HOLY S@#T" spaz is fairly easy to master. It is actually one of those spasms that comes naturally to most people. Generally speaking, this spaz is followed up by the individual staring continuously, never blinking, while backing up. Putting as much distance between the spider and yourself is of the utmost priority. Once you have established ample distance, and are able to collect your thoughts, you look for something to kill the spider with. This can range from a lead pipe, a book, a shoe, a tire iron, a large unused air compressor, even a thrown-out, unwanted microwave oven.

- Colleen Rankin-Wheeler

Colleen Rankin-Wheeler was born in Crescent City Calif. She is a licensed cosmologist in four states, a writer of numerous humorous shorts, as well as a member of Daughters of the American Revolution. When she was five, she had her first encounter with a spider. From that moment on, it was "ME against THEM." In her debut book, A Day in the Life of a Spider Spazing Freak, she attacks her fear of spiders head on with hilarity and sarcasm. She is married to whom she refers to as "The Hottest Guy from High School," David Wheeler, and is the proud mother of two sons, Dimitri and Christopher, both of whom she has lovingly passed along a generous dose of aracanaphobia.