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The house, it is dusty and riddled with dog hair tumble weeds. The dogs themselves, they scootch on the floor as their anal glands must be expressed and the vet bill...oh...the vet bill - hence the incessant scootching. For alas, there are no spare funds for such frivolities as anal gland expression. Expressment?

Don't ask me.

So, I drink. I drink of the sweet elixir of the Goddess Caffeina. Sweet, other worldly bitterness tempered by milky splendor.

The laundry, how its numbers grow exponentially. The dishes, how they stack up in an unrepentant sink.

I drink.

Grocery lists, teacher's gifts, cards to send, emails to answer, calls to return...drinking all the while.

Housewifery is not rocket science and sure, I'm not workin' in a coal mine...

Woop! About to sip down.

The job of a housewife is an oft thankless, tiresome one, though I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Okay, I'm lying. I wouldn't trade my husband and kids or the dogs, but if you're offering a record contract, I'll gladly throw in the tea towel. After all...maids need jobs, too.

So, I have a drinking problem I guess. Well actually...it's not much of a problem.

But in the absence of Calgon, I choose caffeine to take me away from all this. To whisk me away to the Columbian Elysian Fields that promise my domestic freedom. If only for a moment.

Sweet, sweet serenity and lucidity...one sip at a time.

Fair Trade.

This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

- Linda Roy

Linda Roy is a humorist/writer/musician living in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. Her blog elleroy was here is a mix of humor and music she likes to refer to as "funny with a soundtrack." She's managing partner and editor-in-chief at the political satire and pop culture website Lefty Pop and was named a 2014 BlogHer Voice of the Year. Her work has appeared at The Huffington Post, Humor Outcasts, In the Powder Room, Aiming Low, Mamapedia, BonBon Break, Midlife Boulevard, Funny Not Slutty, Sprocket Ink and The Weeklings. When she's not writing, she's fronting the Indie/Americana band Jehova Waitresses. Connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Google+ and Bloglovin'.