Blogs

There are few things in this life that I am sure of and know to be the absolute truth.

And since the list of what I DON'T know is so much greater than what I do know, that's where I shall start.

First, what I do know. I know I don't like spiders.

Second, I am a spaz.

When you combine these two winning attributes, you wind up with ME. A spider spazing freak! I know that I am not alone with this affliction because it has a name. Aracanaphobia. A word that, when shortened, can be used in such really cool sentences like, "Hand me my Raid please; this Spider is an aracnaphob's worst nightmare!"

It's not that I am saying spiders are bad. Never think it. It's just that spiders and I don't get along. They don't like my music, I don't like their webs, they spew silk, I spray Raid. It just gets ugly. Over the course of my life I have encountered many spiders. Many of these encounters, unfortunately for me, have taken place in public places, such as the mall, at work or my yard while the neighbors watched.

Over the years I have written down, in detail, what I have come to call " Spider Spazing Techniques." You see, every spider is different. Therefore, every spaz is different, and you will find they take on a story all their own. Such is the case of the story, "A lovely spring day."

It's a lovely spring day. The sun is bright, the breeze is warm, birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. It's a time for planting, gardening, BBQ with friends. All of nature is awake. And unfortunately for the woman writing this story, so are the spiders!

In my lifetime I have seen some spiders. Big ones, little ones, black ones, brown ones and the occasional white one. Today, however, I saw the King. No, NOT Elvis. The King of all spiders. A spider that could scare a pit bull off a meat wagon. If there were a spider underworld, HE would be "Scarface."

I was planting flowers next to the house when out of the corner of my eye I saw a large dark mass moving slowly not more than 10 inches from my head. I turned and came face to face with HIM! Here is where the different forms of "spider spazing" happens. First, just for a moment, I went into "Spider Shock Syndrome." It's a little like "Toxic Shock Syndrome" without that time of the month. I felt feverish, light-headed and nauseated. Then a touch of the " Holy S@#T" spaz kicked in. I sucked in mass quantities of air, fell backwards and a very obscene word flew out of my mouth.

This is when the "Crab Crawl spaz" took full effect. I started crab crawling backwards, never taking my eyes off of "IT." All the while a steady stream of obscenities was flowing out of my mouth, bringing ME to the attention of my neighbor and his children. One big head and three little heads stood there watching as I continued to crab crawl across the yard spewing obscenities!

With my heart pounding, and the neighbors children traumatized, I declared YARD WORK FINISHED! As for the rest of this lovely spring day, I will be in the house watching "I Love Lucy," and that is where THIS redhead plans on staying. (I will be heading to Home Depot for an assortment of pesticides tomorrow.)

- Colleen Rankin-Wheeler

Colleen Rankin-Wheeler is a licensed cosmetologist and a writer of humorous shorts. She is married to her high school sweetheart, David Wheeler, and is the mother of two sons, Dimitri and Christopher, both of whom she has lovingly passed along a generous dose of aracanaphobia. She was born in Crescent City, Calif.