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There are so many quizzes now on Facebook: "What kind of animal are you? What kind of animated character are you? How bitchy are you?"

So many choices! I don't take those tests. I don't care if I'm a lion, a tiger or a bear…oh my! I don't care if I'm Miss Piggy or Doc McStuffins. I can save the time taking the bitchy quiz and tell you right off the bat that I can be bitchy, but that's usually when I'm provoked. I'm working on that. I find my descriptions of myself elsewhere.

I like to read wine bottles. They intrigue me. I'm not a connoisseur to actually taste what they proclaim the vineyard produces, but I love the descriptions they use. I never taste the licorice, mint or aromatic flowers. The tannin escapes me as well. It seems if it's wine, I drink it. I think I may find my own personal charming description on these labels, and it will suit me perfectly.

White Zinfandel combines crisp refreshment with bright fruit. It has flavors of fresh strawberry and hints of white peach. Now doesn't that sound just like me at a garden party? I probably had woken up from a nap so I looked crisp. I must have worn an apple red sundress. And I probably had strawberry shortcake with a slice of white peach along with a goblet of White Zin. Call me Mrs. Zin. (not Sin)

Cabernet from Bordeaux professes the flavor is comparable to well, you decide. Imagine you filled a leather bag with a pound of black cherries and held it close to your chest while you rolled down a hill. Yum! Truthfully, after a few glasses of wine, I might be game to try this, providing it is a small hill. It is also best served with meats and high-fat food. What's not to love?

The other night I enjoyed a Cabernet which read, "Enjoy while young and sassy." At first I thought that was a horrible sales technique. What about all of us older people? I drank it anyway. I always feel young and sassy when I drink wine. My friend said they meant the wine was young and sassy, not the drinker. Who knew?

Merlot is full bodied and cheaper than the Cabernet, but it has a smoother finish. It is affordable and underrated, much like myself.

Riesling has a colorful German heritage that's had a bad reputation in the '80s. My mother-in-law would love to discuss my reputation in that time period at length; however, she's in Heaven now (I hope). We finally get along famously.

Unoaked Chardonnay has a brand named "Wine With No Pants." They describe it as getting saucy without pants. No need for me to explain the comparison to moi.

There is also a Petet-Vidure that drinks well without food. Hello! Is this me or what?

I can finally describe myself to you.

I am a full-bodied, crisp, rolling-down-the-hill with a pound of cherries kind of girl. I'm smooth, colorful and had a bad reputation in the '80s (according my mother-in-law only). I'm affordable and underrated. I can get saucy with or without pants on. …and I drink well without food.

Take that, Facebook!

- Anne Bardsley

Anne Bardsley, of St. Petersburg, Fla., is the author of How I Earned My Wrinkles, a collection of humorous and sentimental stories about marriage, motherhood and menopause. She lives in a menopausal world with a husband who gives her wrinkles. When people ask her age, she sometimes tells them her bra size. "36-C," she says, "was a wonderful age."