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My pack watches a lot of detective shows and courtroom dramas, so I have to be a bit more specific when I leave the seven of them home while I'm out of town than simply telling them to "Be good" and "Don't burn the house down."

In hopes of covering every technicality and loophole, I leave a list of instructions:

Call me only if there's an emergency. An emergency is when someone or something is on fire, or someone is bleeding profusely from the head. Pimples are not emergencies. The Xbox dying is not an emergency. Any person or beast having flatulence, no matter how revolting, is not an emergency.

No one may make any flame of any kind in any way at any point for any reason. If there is a power outage, birthday or zombie apocalypse, just sit there in the dark until I get home.

Feed the dog only dog food. Yes, the dog likes ice cream, candy and pizza, but ice cream, candy and pizza do not like the dog, as evidenced by the projectile diarrhea he produced when I was out of town last month.

The dog having projectile diarrhea is not an emergency. Do not call me to tell me about it. Do not send me pictures. Do not send me a live action video. Again.

You must wear shoes to school every day, and they must be shoes that fit you, belong to you and were purchased by me for you. Do not tell your teacher that you have no shoes because "Mommy took them on her trip." That only happened once. And, they looked a lot like mine.

Your dad is not allowed to play basketball with you while I'm gone. The last time he played basketball with you he broke his ankle. The time before that he dislocated his hip. If your dad is on crutches when I get back, you're all grounded. Including your dad.

The babysitter feeding you jar spaghetti sauce is not an emergency. Do not call me to complain about it.

Stay out of my room. If you think you need to go in my room, stay out of my room. If you absolutely, positively must go in my room, stay out of my room.

Wanting to go in my room is not an emergency. Do not call to ask me if you may go in my room.

Lastly, if it involves the phrase, "Watch this, you guys!" don't do it. Don't even think about doing it.

In other words, be good.

And, don't burn the house down.

- Gina Valley

Gina Valley is a humorist who lives in Los Angeles. Her husband (The Professor) and her 7 kids (The Pack) provide her with more inspiration than she needs for her blog Gina Valley - The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom. Gina was a humor cast member in Listen to Your Mother in San Francisco in 2013. Her work appears on Voiceboks, Dads' Round Table, and Inspiring Women Magazine. Laugh with Gina on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.