Blogs

(Dan Zevin's piece appeared in The New York Times on Jan. 30, 2014. Reposted by permission of the author.)

A Southwest Airlines jet touched down at the wrong Missouri airport this month, a mix-up that comes two months after a cargo jet landed at the wrong airport in Kansas. How will the industry bounce back from the embarrassing publicity? Herewith, some suggestions for an emergency P.R. campaign.

1. Your Fitness Comes First.

Our award-winning pilots know what sitting on a plane can do to your spinal column, and that's why we unveiled our heart-healthy Fly n' Walk© program that not only gets you where you want to go, but also gets you in shape! Here's how: On select flights, we'll "go that extra mile" for you by landing the aircraft at an airport several miles away from the one on your boarding pass. After some gentle calisthenics, lace up your sneakers and follow our flight attendants on a brisk fitness walk to your original destination. Not only will you burn calories and work those tough-to-tone glutes, you'll also receive bonus frequent flier points.

2. Safety. Our Promise to You.

Like fire drills or tests of the emergency broadcasting system, our Passenger Protection Preparation Procedures (PPPPs) include occasional unannounced - but 100 percent planned - landings at neighboring airports, or "safe havens." Whether you're flying to southwest Afghanistan, southwest Syria or southwest Missouri, these landings are completely 100 percent planned. It's just that we make them look unplanned in order to simulate the unlikely event of an actual emergency landing. So relax! Your safety. Our planes. All planned.

3. Pay Less, See More.

How do we keep our fares so low? It's simple. We have a vast network of partner airports that grant us last-minute deals on rock-bottom runway prices. And the more last-minute, the more savings we pass on to you. It's all part of our "Pay Less, See More" initiative. More exciting destinations. More sizzling attractions. More surprising airports. After all, isn't that what travel is truly about?

4. No Hidden Fees or Vendettas. Ever.

We pride ourselves on never engaging in New Jersey "Bridgegate"-style shenanigans. For example, if one of our co-pilots flying to, say, Branson, Mo., had a vendetta against his captain because his captain selected a pilot 10 years his junior for the plum flight to St. Croix that day, you can bet that this co-pilot would never, under any circumstances, have sent the following email to his buddy Mort in air-traffic control: "Time to land the plane at the wrong airport in Missouri!"

- Dan Zevin

Dan Zevin is the 2013 winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His latest book, Dan Gets a Minivan: Life at the Intersection of Dude and Dad, along with his previous one, The Day I Turned Uncool, have been optioned by Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions. He has followed his readers through each phase of life, from post-college coping (Entry-Level Life) to tying the knot (The Nearly-wed Handbook) to developing a disturbing new interest in lawn care and wine tastings (Uncool). And that was all before he had kids.