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So, last year I actually wrote a New Year's Resolutions list for 2013. I just came across it and decided to share a few of them along with updates on how well I fared.

Resolution #1: I will begin an exercise regimen that includes aerobic activity 5x per week and strength training 3x per week. Right. On second and more realistic thought, perhaps I will just stop circling parking lots to try and get the space next to the handicapped stall so I don't have to walk as far. And does trying to move the dead weight of a sleeping 75-pound Labrador from my space on the couch every night over to the next cushion count as strength training? I vote yes.

UPDATE: I signed up to run a half-marathon last spring. Paid the fee and everything. Unfortunately, I did not actually run the half-marathon, nor show up at all. But it was months of great fun pretending and imagining I was going to do it. In November of 2013 I did go on a walk. There was a hill and I got tired. That's about it for 2013. And we got a new couch, which the dog is not allowed on, so my strength training program also went out the window. Damn.

Resolution #2: I will force each of my three children to have one serving of a fruit OR vegetable every day. That's right, pediatricians and supermoms, I said one serving per kid. I'm sick of throwing away peas. Don't judge.

UPDATE: Success! My 5-year old added carrots to her approved food list in 2013. Perhaps they are cooked and smothered in butter and brown sugar, but underneath all the sweet goo they are still carrots. It counts. Again, don't judge.

Resolution #3: I will finally part with my maternity underwear even though it is comfy and stretchy and is the only article of clothing I own that used to be too small and is now too big. Sigh.

UPDATE: They're gone. It was bittersweet. However, my paper-thin, soft, 12-year-old stretchy maternity pajama pants were not part of the deal. Those stayed and will stay until they cause me physical harm. I say this because I was wearing them yesterday morning and the bottoms are all ripped and somehow they got caught in part of the vacuum cleaner and I kind of had to fight my way out of a crazy situation. But I escaped unscathed and we're still good, me and my shredded pajama pants. Just got to be a little more careful around appliances in the future, I guess.

Resolution #4: Just once, I will go to Costco and buy ONLY the items on my list. Note to self: add Giant Churro to list.

UPDATE: I totally did it! In October I went to Costco and purchased only a tub of mini coffee cakes. I know, you'd think my one item would've been something more essential, like toilet paper, but truly, I needed those mini coffee cakes more. And I'm not counting the 14 samples I scarfed down while proudly strolling through Costco with my one item because those were all FREE.

Resolution #5: I will throw away every mate-less sock in my laundry room instead of constantly being convinced the other one has GOT to turn up in the next load. Reminder to Google "scientific theories on where the hell the other sock goes."

UPDATE: I can't do it. There are currently 13 mate-less socks in my laundry room. What can I say? I'm an eternal optimist when it comes to this conundrum. I just cannot give up on those poor missing socks. I vote we give the damn Nobel Prize to whatever genius can figure this one out.

Resolution #6: I will conquer my fear of spiders, lice, sharks, vomiting, public restroom door handles (honestly, I find it INCREDIBLE that fully functioning adult women do not wash their hands after using a public restroom. And turning the water on for two seconds and then grabbing a paper towel does NOT count as hand washing. I can hear you from my stall and you're not foolin' anyone). I will also conquer my fear of having to purchase something at the grocery store from the top shelf, which I cannot reach without a full-scale climbing mission, paying full-price for something because I forgot my coupon…. On second thought, this list is getting a bit overwhelming so perhaps just enlist the help of a therapist to determine why I have so many neuroses.

UPDATE: I have conquered nothing. I am still terrified of every single thing on that list plus let's now add giant raccoons to the mix thanks to our new locale in the creepy woods. Screw hiring a therapist. I may now have enough issues to actually BECOME one.

Resolution #7: I will stop playing the "how far can I REALLY go when my gas light is on?" game even though I hate getting gas. Where else do people wait in line to buy something you can't see, touch or wear, that smells bad, is hazardous and supports either the destruction of natural resources or imperialistic rich nations? Getting gas just sucks.

UPDATE: This was an easy fix. We bought an all-electric car. We just plug it into the wall every night - it has no engine, no tailpipe, no gas tank. Sure, we can only drive 60 miles before it has to be charged again and actually only half that if you put the heat or a/c on. But so what? We literally live on an island. And it does take 24 hours to charge. And it's really, really, small. So small it might look like a clown car when all 5 of us stumble out of it. But I don't care. Because not getting gas is awesome.

Resolution #8: I will not charge anything on my credit card that costs less than $3. Except when in the vicinity of a Krispy Kreme doughnut store or trapped in a parking garage at my doctor's ("sorry, we don't validate") office.

UPDATE: I am discarding this resolution. I hate using cash. I hate cashiers giving me a handful of potentially virus-ridden coins and dollar bills that were just stuffed in somebody else's pants. Background: my grandfather washed his money. Literally like laundry, with the bills hung up on a clothesline to dry. When I was a kid and went into the basement and saw the crisp money hanging there drying, I thought, "wow, that's so cool" Then, as I got older, I thought, "wow, that's really weird." But now I think he was on to something. Money is dirty and gross, and so I'm sticking with my shiny clean credit card that only I touch, end of story.

Resolution #9: I will stop making excuses to justify buying Groupons that I will never use. Am I really going to go on a Segway tour of my local beach city, which upon further thought would involve a RENTAL helmet and a high-risk lice situation? Hell, no. Half price at a paint-your-own ceramics studio? Sure, the kids had fun for 15 minutes, and I paid $45 for three little random ceramic animals. What a steal. 95% off tattoo removal? SUCH a great deal but first I would have to A) get a tattoo and B) grow to hate my tattoo. 75% off a storage unit rental? Fabulous, I can use it to store all my unused Groupons.

UPDATE: In January of 2013 I simply clicked "Unsubscribe" and kicked this resolution's ass!

- Janene Dutt

Janene Dutt is brand-new blogger who has no legitimate writing experience to speak of and was, therefore, panicked when asked to write this bio. She recently relocated from Southern California to a small island in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and three children. Her mother said her blog was funny so she now has grandiose and delusional dreams of becoming the next Erma Bombeck. You can read about her experiences at www.imightbefunny.com.