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"A, B, c...g...r....y....next time won't....sing with me."

How was I to know it was this that needed new batteries? I pretty much know the alphabet, so I don't play with the "Old McDonald Alphabet Barn."

But she (job creator and wife) writes this cryptic message on a piece of paper, "Replace the batteries I've been bugging you about for the last three months ya dumb bottom!" It was no. 137 in the once named "HoneyDo" jar. But after 24 years of marriage, it's been renamed to something a little more direct with a slang term for bottom as myself. The "Get Up And Do It You Dumb A-- (Bottom)" jar.

It took two AA batteries to drive this farmyard tool of alphabetic knowledge. Two little cylinders the size of....well, small batteries (I was always bad at analogies). This toy hase taught all four of my grandkids the early basics of the English written language.

Absolutely amazing if you think about it.

I started school, as probably most of the rest of you did, before "Sesame Street," not knowing the building blocks of the written word. The basic A-Z was an unknown. Not my mother, father, strange aunt, older brother or The Friendly Giant taught me the "ABC" song. Mom, Dad and older brother had their own problems. Strange aunt - well, strange says it all. And the giant, although a giant, he certainly wasn't friendly. He had a rooster stuffed in a bag nailed to the wall!

These two little batteries along with a plastic barn and 23 plastic letters (Y, G and B disappeared under the fridge) taught all four grandkids the alphabet. It sang out the "ABC" song and had the capability of pronouncing each letter when placed in the hayloft. The 23 singing capital letters are all magnetically smattered across the aforementioned fridge. In groups of three and four, they hold crayon drawings of a princess and the ever-so-flattering drawings of one's self by a 3-year-old. She must think I'm a genius because she draws my head so big. I think I'll keep this one; it might come in handy during the next argument with the wife.

How can I just toss or recycle these two batteries? They should be prized and presented for all to see. For someday, I can say "Kids, this is what taught you the alphabet. These two insignificant cylinders of positive and negative polarity had the sole purpose of teaching each of you the letters from A-Z" - and have succeeded where strange Aunt Fizzy couldn't.

These two AA batteries (no meetings required) can't be tossed as play batteries that drive toys. Or thrown away with stupid batteries that just operate lights on and off. Or tossed out with the flash batteries that just go "DAH!" And then wait to go "DAH!" again. They can't die with the snobby camera batteries that have traveled and been to all the best parties and vacation spots. Or placed among the little oddity batteries so tiny that hide in expensive watches and make size "AA" look so big and freakish.

No, I say! Not my AA friends! They shall remain forever.

She's standing behind me, isn't she?

"Will you JUST replace the battery!" she suggests. "You've been at this for 52 minutes and haven't done a thing! Now get moving!" Again suggests, "Jobs 138 and 140 are waiting. You can do 139 when you take your bath. And might I suggest you close the curtains or put some pants on while doing all this."

"Yes, dear," was my only reply. Should have shown her my genius picture.

I dug deeper into the toolbox looking for a tiny Phillips screwdriver with which to free my two little double A friends. But why? We all know the alphabet! They're not going to play with this anymore. Job done, I say!

Think I'll start on job 139 and fill the tub.

- Bob Niles

Bob Niles, who answers to Robert, Bobby, Dad, Grandpa, Unit No.2 (his Dad could never remember all the children's names) honey and super hero, is new to writing but not to storytelling. "I like to make people laugh and to think, with a secret desire make them dance and send me untraceable $100 bills in the mail," says the happily married, retired father and grandpa from Richmond in British Columbia, Canada. He blogs at superiordribble.blogspot.com.