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Stacey Gustafson is an author, humor columnist and blogger who has experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her work has appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul, Not Your Mother's Books, Midlife Boulevard, More Magazine, Better After 50 and on her daughter's bulletin board. Her book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With An Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives, will be released September 2014. ...

We wash our clothes expensively, that's how! At the moment I'm ready to try beating my clothes against a rock in the river. It was still as dark outside as my six o'clock mug of coffee when I heard an annoying high-pitched beep. Every three minutes the sound interrupted my morning solitude. None of the usual culprits was guilty, not my tinnitus-affected ears, nor cell phone, dishwasher or microwave. The beep came from the laundry room. My washer's control panel was ...