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Dear Wallpaper,

I know you are cracked, dry and peeling. My intentions were to get you repaired this weekend. But something rather important has come up. You see, I was approached the other day by a facial guru. And it appears that my skin is also cracked, dry and peeling.

I hesitated before climbing into her chair. I really did. But she insisted I could have a free facial. And who am I to turn down something free?

I thought of you as she applied the "liven up your skin" cleanser, followed by a firming toner, an anti-aging emulsion and a "miracle" moisturizer.

Your condition entered my mind again when she handed me the mini-manual for my daily regiment, along with the "not-so-mini" invoice.

So much for free, right?

And my heart broke for you as I handed her my credit card. But there is only so much I can spend in one month and so, I'm very sorry, but your anti-aging treatment will have to wait.

Say, for another year or two.

Dear Carpet,

I know you have that stain on the floor. The one I cover up with the ottoman. Well, as it happens, I have an age stain on the side of my face near my ear. I tried to resist another purchase, to no avail.

Before I knew it I had the No Foundation Foundation added to my daily routine.

So, I'm very sorry. But you'll have to live with that stain for a few more months. Or longer.

Dear Toilet,

I know you have that slight leak. But I have this tear thing going on with my eye and well, I think you know where I'm going with this.

Thank you all for your understanding,

Love,

Your owner, Janie

PS. Can you please let the front yard know that I'm aware she needs a manicure and trim. As soon as I get my lady parts looking lovely, I'll get right on it.

- Janie Emaus

Janie Emaus believes that when the world is falling apart, we're just one laugh away from putting it together again. She is the author of the time travel romance, Before the After, and the young adult novel, Mercury in Retro Love. She has an essay in the best-selling humor anthology, You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth and is proud have been named a 2013 BlogHer Voice of the Year. To read more of Janie's humor, you can find her every week In The Powder Room. To learn more about her crazy life, visit her website www.JanieEmaus.com.