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I'll admit I'm not much of a housekeeper. My myopic vision doesn't seem to notice piles of newspapers or cobwebs in the corners. But I'd let things go so long that the spider's web in the bathroom sported a little bronze plaque. I had to get a magnifying glass to read it. It said that the web is now on the arachnids' historic register.

Of course, I couldn't destroy it after that.

I was brushing my teeth and heard a tiny "Ding!" I looked up and saw the spider opening a tiny microwave and taking out a burrito.

"Oooch! Hot! Hot! Ow!" the spider said as it tossed the burrito in three or four hands. It settled into a little recliner and used a fifth hand to point a remote at a TV that, proportionately, was bigger than mine. A flat screen. Maybe plasma. Where does a spider get that kind of cash?

"Whatcha watchin'?" I asked.

"CNN. MSNBC, sometimes FOX," the spider said. "I'm totally hooked on news channels."

"Don't spiders have their own networks?"

"There are only so many shows on weaving techniques, insect lures, and how to coordinate eight shades of eye shadow that I can stomach. And if that team shows up and remodels MY web while I'm out, I'll dessicate their soft little bodies and eat them whole. Besides, your issues are much more entertaining."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Relationship drama, for instance. You guys complicate things so much. You mate; you devour your mate. It's clean. It's simple. And you never have to change the locks."

"Well, you have a point, but I don't think your method will catch on around here."

"I guess not. But how about this whole gasoline thing? Two legs aren't good enough for you? And this 'going to work' business - explain that to me. You need food, go snare some. You need shelter, build something. All this other business is stuff you made up to worry about. Am I right?"

"More than you know."

"And these wars over territory. Just move on and spin a new web. It's not worth fighting over. Either everything belongs to everyone or nothing belongs to anyone. Either way, lay off the bombs already."

"You're wise. How'd you learn so much?"

"I have cousins all over the world. They keep me clued in. Did you know that pretty much anywhere in the world, you're only two feet from one of us?"

"I'd heard that."

"I just heard from a cousin in London who was at those last Olympics. You know, we could decimate humans in track and field. It's so cute to see you with your two little legs trying to compete. If I'd had good sense, I would have signed my last batch of kids up for gymnastics. I'd be on Easy Street by now. "

I looked around a little nervously. "So, where ARE all of your kids?"

"Oh you know how teenagers are. They have their own ideas and won't listen to their parents. Most of them went to school for web design, as if their own instincts weren't enough. I washed most of my hands of them. Shhhhh! Stephanopoulos is starting."

I backed quietly out of the bathroom. It was clean enough.

-Kerri Albertson

Kerri Albertson teaches composition at Chowan University in Murfreesboro, NC. The very first "real" "grown-up" book she ever read was At Wit's End when she was eight. She promises to vacuum when the semester is over.