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Dear Ms. Testwuide,

Congratulations! You have been selected as a contestant to appear on the inaugural season of Project Divorcée.

Modeling the show after the successful Project Runway series, Executive Producer Heidi Klum has decided to try her recently ringless hand, at a new reality show. Project Divorcée will pit newly divorced women at their lowest point against one another, in order to win a prize package by further losing their dignity.

We have reviewed your audition tape and processed your application. We feel you embody the perfect mixture of bitterness, apathy and vengeance. When combined with your delicate emotional state and raging sugar addiction, you make a perfect reality TV character.

We feel your too-tight-size-14-mom jeans, likelihood of developing Type II diabetes during production and constant collection agency calls for unpaid therapists' bills will make you a fan favorite from the start.

Your file was missing some paperwork. We require all divorce lawyer's bills be sent to our offices to authenticate your eligibility. We recognize shipping is costly. We understand the pure poundage of your legal bills has reduced your transportation options to ground service only. We thank you for chartering a private train to transport these documents.

The winner of Project Divorcée will receive $25,000 for Vaginal Rejuvenation, a Lifestyle Lift , a set of Glamor Shots, a one-year supply of Ben & Jerry's ice cream created exclusively for our show, Manic Xanax and the complete collection of Lifetime Movies for Women.

Please sign the enclosed documents agreeing to the following:

1. Continue your diet of saturated fats, high fructose corn syrup, refined sugars and any recipes by Paula Deen.

2. Purchase a clean bathrobe as it appears from your audition tape to be your signature wardrobe piece. A robe with shoulder pads, higher slit and no middle zipper may make you more palatable for male viewers.

Unlike Project Runway, contestants for Project Divorcée will be informed of their weekly challenges in advance to schedule therapy sessions as needed.

In the first challenge contestants will be required to delve into their closets for an evening dress that still fits. No bathrobes, please. "Fits" is defined as "zips to top and contestant can breathe." Once dressed, contestants must attend a couples' cocktail party solo from 8 p.m. to midnight. You will be judged on your ability to keep a smile on your face, engage in friendly banter and remark "I'm so happy for you," at least 10 times during the evening. The winner of our first challenge will receive two Ambien and be allowed to spend the next 24 hours in bed.

We look forward to your arrival in Allentown, Penn., for the first season of Project Divorcée.

Sincerely,

Myles Seabrunner and Barton Winkler

Associate Producers, Project Divorcée

- Liesl Testwuide

Liesl Testwuide, author of Hairpin Turns Ahead, uses humor and humility to write about navigating life's twists, turns and inevitable changes. A divorced mom of three, she has accepted that even though her white-picket-fence life blew up in her face, it was probably the best thing that ever happened. Follow Liesl on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. She auditioned and was selected to read her humorous essay, "I've Got Something in My Pocket," at this year's "Listen to Your Mother" event in Madison, Wisc.