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Aries: The moment you've dreamed of will appear on Thursday. Unfortunately, you will be napping at your desk and miss it completely. There will be a moment available on Friday, but only if you have a coupon and the secret sales code from the Internet.

Taurus: Time heals all wounds, but tequila is the Band-Aid that keeps you from picking at it until the healing is done. It can also provide you with nifty new scars that will start conversations for years to come.

Gemini: Be ready to face your fears this week, and not the pretty, airheaded ones you tell people about; these inner demons are uglier than your spring break rash, and ready to pop from your psyche like a crazed jack in the box. A determined attitude and a box of Depends will help.

Cancer: Wednesday will be like the prize in your cereal; it looks nothing like you pictured it, but at least you're getting something for free.

Leo: You know what they say: people who live in glass houses should really invest in some curtains. Hide a few of your own secrets behind the drapes so you can spare someone some bare-butt naked truth this week.

Virgo: You are a shining example to others, but you would be more fun if you took that giant glowstick out of your butt. Do it in private, though. Sometimes no one wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Libra: A smile can get you out of a lot of trouble, but some well-timed cleavage can get you out of even more. Use the power wisely, though, because trouble does love a good rack.

Scorpio: Take a good, long look in the mirror. If you don't like what you see, do some spring cleaning. That mirror's so dirty, your reflection is sticking to the corners.

Sagittarius: If you're overshadowed by someone else's success, drag a few spotlights over to your side of the stage. You'll either get applause or a tan. You can use both, so it's a win/win.

Capricorn: Bad news: the security cameras will catch you dropping your pants in front of the time clock. Good news: after you're fired, you'll receive an offer for a new career in adult entertainment. Stock up on penicillin and wet wipes.

Aquarius: After Saturday night, you will never be tempted to cover a body part in peanut butter again. You'll also discover that cheese isn't always a mouse's first choice for a quick nibble.

Pisces: Don't bother telling anyone you've turned over a new leaf. You've done it so often, your particular tree looks like a green whirling dervish. The bright side? Your indecision may one day provide a small city with clean, eco-friendly energy.

- Beth Bartlett

Beth Bartlett, a freelance writer by day, a humorist by night and a caffeinated procrastinator by mid-afternoon, won second place in the 2013 National Society of Newspaper Columnists' competition (under 50,000 circulation) for her irreverent "Wisecrack Zodiac" column. She blogs at www.plaidearthworm.com.